Ugly Christmas Sweaters With Kittens and Yarn

Okay, hello everyone, hope all is well, and that you've been listening to Christmas music non-stop like me. Things are good, Wednesday was nuts, but that's how it always is. I've told myself all semester that if I can make it to Wednesday night at 6 p.m. then I can do anything. I skipped an appt I had this morning that I was encouraged to go to, but it was beautiful out today, and I just did the usual. Now all I've got to do is finish up some papers, tie it all together, sign up for classes to finish my poli sci minor, and bam I'm out of here, and excited. I plan on going home and working and doing lots of yoga. Did I mention technically next semester I will have finished my gen eds, my global eds which were focused on South Eastern European studies, my major, and my poli-sci minor. The only reason I have to stay for senior year is for credits, so I'm basically in this dilemma where its like do I want to have an easy senior year, and contribute to journalism related things, and start applying for real life jobs...which is intimidating to say the least, or do I want to do geo-sci at the hopes of becoming a National Geographic correspondent. Recently I've come to the abrupt realization that my life is infact controlled by me, my decisions, my ways of viewing things, and the places I put myself are infact because I made that decision. Sounds like common sense, but I tend too look far past the normal things and scrutinize the details, and I miss the big picture. My fifth semester of school is done, and I have to say I've come quite far. Now its where do I go from here?

So reflections on the semester as up until now...because I've been thinking about this. I found one of the best friends someone could ever ask for, or pray for or hope for. Its just nice to have someone away from home, who knows everything there is about you, who understands how simply complex you are but can sum you up in a couple words. And drinking wine on Wednesday nights together isn't so bad either. I always last year would complain I didn't have enough friends because at Salve I was so used to be surrounded by many people, but at UMass I had two hands of friends, rather than handfuls, which at first took adjustment, but now I can cleary see the importance of that. Its not about the number, its about the quality and relationships you have with the people you love most. I also am probably one of the busiest people to be friends with, but I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm so fortunate for the great supportive and loving people I have in my life. And also that India and I happen to have the most dead-on matching sense of humors, and we one day will become known for that I'm sure. I do have regrets about the semester, I could have written more articles for the Collegian, or worked out more, or just worked a bit harder, and actually went to Friday morning discussions, but this is just one small part of my life, and I'm glad its passed, because the semester was long, and lots of work.
I leave school December 11, and after that I'm working, and possibly visiting my grandparents on the beach for a bit to clear my mind. I also need to buy a guitar, and a camera.

It doesn't feel like December because of the weather, but enjoy it in any case.

Tis the season for resume updates and cover letters

So after a pep talk from one of my professors that the job market for journalists pretty much sucks I have decided to not let that deter me from the fact that I literally came out of the womb knowing I was supposed to be a journalist who had an affinity for comedy, science and music. I think my wide variety of interest might make me more marketable anyhow. My professor was talking about how in the news inudstry you have to make yourself marketable and be defined by how network execs want to have the audience view you. And to that I say no, never will I change who I am to fit the icky mold. So, I am still perusing a career in comedy, producing, script writing, traveling, and continuing music and science. Because if one thing his pep talk taught me it is that the driving force behind a career or even life needs to be hold on to what you love and never let go, because people come and go and so does money...especially in my wallet. It is better that happiness not come and go, in my humble opinion.
Here is a sample of one of my cover letter's for the "Tonight Show with Conan O'Brien" whom I have been watching avidly since the age of 10. I remember one of the first things I took notice of was "Triumph the Comic Dog." Which happens to be fucking hilarious and wildly inappropriate for a 10-year-old. That is one thing I am thankful for, my parents never put constraints on what I wanted to do, I did what I pleased and wanted and that was fine with them. If I wanted to eat dinner by myself in my room and watch Conan O'Brien's replay of the prior night's show--their attitude was so be it.

In related stories this blog keeps getting hacked by Christian websites...irony much?

Perhaps

This paper on the effects on poverty and Bolivia connected to Patagonian glacial melting and global warming, is quite the task may I say. It is going to be a late late night, and I'm in International Relations now, and have 3 hours of editing at work, then I can start that paper, and another paper. O wow.

I also have realized of my neglect of the Norwottuck Trail. I honestly miss it. This place just clears my head, and lets me run free...literally, while kicking my ass in shape. But if I wake up early enough tomorrow I'll be able to go. I just realized all these things I wanted to do this semester and time hasn't been able to afford it. O well.

Refridgerator Sentences Make for Good Stories

Back to school. I accomplished nothing this vacation, and I feel blah about it. But it was nice to relax. Back to find joy at Amherst tonight. Things I have done: too much shopping, too much worrying, but some good movie watching and hanging out with friends.

Reflections on the Enlightenment

Its valid to want to have a mimosa every morning and a piece of pie right...right?
Kidding. Things are good, I dislike not having much to do except shop, because I'm not working on break, and I don't know how to relax.
Tonight was fun, Kas, Mar, and I went cruising, and yes me driving in the dark is bad, its like I need night goggles or something, but we made it. They also told me that I should be on SNL, and so that is what I will do. I've been realizing that the tangible things in this world aren't the ones that make me most happy, no not even Jacob's abs not that I'll be touching those anytime soon (yes I saw New Moon)not even freshly printed newspapers are as good as SNL, so laughing and script writing and music, and just being ridiculous are at the very core of my being, and to ignore that would be absurd. As for summer internships I've got to get applyin, and job searching for this summer. I also plan on playing music on the streets to support my coffee habit haha.

Tomorrow I will be shutting myself in some sort of library writing some sort of paper studying the effects of glacial melting, and environmental reform and government reform concerning these drastic and fast changes. I think I'm concentrating on Bolivia, but who knows, the glaciers are a movin'. Okay everyone, have a good one.

We actually saw turkeys on the side of the road today...irony much

So of course I have to blog about Thanksgiving. Hope all my friends had an amazing one. As usual no family event within my family goes perfectly picturesque. For example, at Lindsey's graduation I ended up accompanying my grandmother to the ER after she tripped up the stairs being excited for my internship. That was bad, but it just makes families stronger I assume. You might ask well what happened today?
Okay well my aunt just had a tumor removed and she is healing, and that is just stressful as it is. But the day started off fine, we went to my uncles house and had breakfast foods and as promised I quickly moved from coffee to something better than coffee.
Then we all took off to have Thanksgiving at my house, and my aunt and cousins went back to their house quick to grab a couple of last minute things, and they noticed there oven was on fire, so they called the fire department and it was fine. So we spend all Thanksgiving day just hanging out watching old tapes of Lindsey and I, not quite sure why, we ate, we just did the normal thing, only to have Molly go home and call us startled because her entire house was flooded. I wasn't a part of the clean up after that for some reason, but I'm glad to hear there house is fine after a crazy day. There was no brawls, overly drunken people, arguments, or political disagreements, so suffice to say Happy Thanksgiving and enjoy the leftovers.
Did I mention I agreed to go with my 15-year-old sister to the mall for Black Friday...yes get this, I'm waking up at 3:45 a.m. because of it. Maybe I'll find some boots that don't look like they barely made it through a war. As long as there isn't another trampling and death of a person over a material good, I think I won't entirely give up on society. Prayers and Peace everyone.

Gooble Booble

Hey all,
Happy thanksgiving, My thanksgiving meals started Sunday at Mercy House and just continued to now. Today was nuts, I did a paper in 15 minutes, and wrote a news article for the school paper in about an hour on possibly the most boring story ever.
I'm feeling pretty great if that is of any importance to you. That is probably because I have about six days off from my insane schedule to do internship cover letters and resume work, and just do some relaxing. I don't know how to take time off so we'll see how this goes. I'm going home on sort of shaky ground, I got my mom all pissed at me a week ago and we haven't talked since I feel sort of bad about that. But last week was a bad week, hey it happens. So at home I plan to see a bunch of friends, run, hike, guitar play, and just chill the fuck out. Thanksgiving morning usually involves large bowls of "punch". I think we can clearly say that is the choice of beverage I will be inclined to, screw coffee. Last year I walked around the neighborhood with champagne, if that gives you any hint as to what our thanksgivings are like. No but usually they are good, it'll be good to see family.

I can officially say Fuck school for the next six days. If only I could say that the rest of the year haha.

Hope you are well. Keep it up, whoever you are.

Golden

Have any of you heard the song by My Morning Jacket, "Golden". Its beautiful. I found that I had downloaded it to my ipod while in Costa Rica staring over the rainforest canopy, and that couldn't have been a better moment to listen to the song. When life sort of plays out like this, don't let it slip by, remember beautiful moments, as encouraging thoughts, on everyday days.

I'm now planning my trip to Belize, planning, oh the fun part, funds, being prepared, flights, safety. I'm going there to do missions and I want to feel prepared, I need to dive into my Bible, I need to pray, I need to fully understand the extent of why this has happened in my life, or why the opportunity presented itself. I want to learn all I can, write all I can, and observe all I can. I'm hoping to have some sort of DSL camera to document my time there, or to take short videos chronicling my time there.
As for what I did today it involved lunch, editing a news production for 4 hours (I really think I could do news production for a living), going to class quick before realizing how much I hate international Relations, dinner, Collegian editing, and now here trying to do work in Media Criticism. It wouldn't be so bad if I used my weekends wisely.

Where am I today in the world of thinking...
I'm trying to understand the complexities of life right now, sort of placing myself above cultural boundaries, languaage boundaries, society boundaries, psychological and emotional boundaries, and am merely observing. I am trying to be unaffected by any force or existing societal infrastructure, following just my spiritality, and inner being. Its about time I do this. As painstaking as it is to sort of re-evaluate what you hold as truth, it opens up your eyes to a vast way of thinking that is both unconventional, and needed. Critique is needed in life and I'm definitely involving myself in some serious evalutations and critiques of the government, politics, environment, societal values.
But don't worry everyone, I'm still planning on enjoying Thanksgiving, and Christmas, and as always before all my contentious thoughts, theories, and hypotheses are family, God, health, and love, because with out all of these things nothing else could or would exist. Enjoy the meteor showers, I know I will be enjoying them. Things like these are supposed to be reminders that life--so elegantly designed, so beautifully simple, presents itself in natural will--so appreciate it, will ya?

Have a happy Tuesday.

Send me on my way....Rustic Roots

The song titled above is so good, its from the movie Matilda and I'm in the process of learning it. So fun.

I'm getting that unsettling feeling in my stomach, the kind of feeling all too familiar to me, and no not in a bad connotation. Its a feeling that makes me want to get up and move around, try things out, do something new. I probably will end up doing this. For me now I guess this could be Belize. I'm always doing something new, I can't stand sitting in one place too long, my life right now is good, but I'm used to it being a bit more adventurous, not so normal. I have this friend who says that she suppresses my spontaneous ideas to do something nuts. Sometimes I wish i just did what I felt like doing. You may ask what would I want to do? I'm not sure, it could be mountain hiking, world traveling, song-writing, comedy-sketching, running on a beach. Just fun simple things.

Hope everyone had a great weekend, I'm sure filled with homework....not.

Sleepy

I am 100% wiped out, after all this running and just being busy I'm just tired, which is good, because I never am. So I'm spending my Friday night in, wonderful haha actually. Its not going to be nice out tomorrow so I'll probably go to the gym for most of the day...since Ive given up on men, Belize is my motivation. Things are good. I just got back from a hockey game and was falling asleep at a UMass hockey game..ya I know. So I left, here I am.
Hope you are all well. I'm just moving on somehow, each and everyday.

All my days, these days.

Okay so I'm being honest when I say my state in the two days prior to this was scaring me, glad to say after some thoughtful prayer, meditating in a field for a couple hours, and hanging out with friends I am elevated in all levels. I know being 20 is a turbulent time, questioning who we want to be what we are supposed to become, who we are supposed to love, or how much we are supposed to like ourselves as we are.

Well the beginning of the week was challenging because some days I can be completely happy and say hmm Chelsea Whitton for the things you've been through and the person you've become I'm okay--I'm a bit hesitant, a bit shy, and a bit introverted at some points but I'm not entirely fucked up. Then I realized before anyone can love me I've got to love myself, and that isn't a new theory or idea to me or anyone I'm sure. That is something I worked on the whole past summer-loving who I am, with out leaching off anybody else to feel acceptance, which for me was the most difficult thing in the world. And I have to say I've come quite far in terms of understanding myself, understanding that I am very hesitant of expressing my rather mellow, or dark side, because people know me as this funny, vibrant, excited about life redhead where in reality I have days where I just want to quit, give up, writes sad songs until I no longer feel the need to, such as Monday and Tuesday. It was to the point where mentally and physically I was burnt out, my body ached, and my head was pounding. I just never understood that college was so much of a test,(no pun intended). I just think about the same things over and over again, and feel like I just need to surrender, but absolutely can't stop, that I can do everything on my own.

I was telling India that no matter how hard I try to change things, my views on the world and life and the way it works, which tend to be hyper-critical, and serious, my ways of living my life day to day, I always feel like I'm falling, or failing (one of my biggest fears).
Tonight at dinner I asked my friend Jenn what it was like to graduate, and how it felt to be a "real person". She said it was, "surreal". I don't even know if I wanted the answer, because as I picture myself in a year and a half standing up with the whole gown thing on, who will I be, what will I become, who will I have by my side? This scares the shit out of me and I have this hollow feeling in the pit of my stomach which makes me know I have lots of praying to do, and lots of thinking to do. The idea of "real person" scares me very much, because I will always be a kid at heart, who prefers laughs over any bad news, stories over harsh facts. So I'm at the point right now of picking myself up from what I call "my own bottom" which contrary to popular belief does not involve horrible things, it just involves lots of thinking of where I need to be, and not being so inwardly pessimistic while so outwardly optimistic.
In related news, I am thanking God each and everyday for putting me through everything I've been through, whether good or bad. I think I'm the most knowledgeable or wise about life and the reality that is myself than I've ever been.

I'm also so appreciative God let India come into my life because it is truly the most comforting thing to know someone understands you, can pin-point how you feel, knows what your going through, you can cry to or hear cry. She gives me hope that indeed I will not be a 40 year old vodka worshiping cat lady. I've just never been able to express everything, my battles, my relationship with God, just a bunch of shit. I'll remember this probably the rest of my life, I was at her house, and said yes lets sit outside and get drunk, but instead, we both lay down staring at the stars talking until the dead of the night about our lives, our views on life, God, family, guys, just everything. I'd never done that before, actually said who I was to someone not scared of what they would think. Anyhow if your reading this I hope you know the best days have yet to come my friend :)

To my other friends reading this know I think of you a lot, my friends at Salve, at home. I think about you everyday.

P.S. recently I've had the urge to drop this political science bullshit and take a couple more courses in Geo-sci. Maybe I'll do something which makes me happy--yes identifying rocks and mountain orogenies (a time of vast mountain building) and cut banks does make me happy. Studying China's international policies, and Iran's nuclear power struggle surely does not make me happy. As my sister Lindsey said anyone in politics is just "an egotistical power hungry bastard." I'm tending to agree.
I'm not sure fellow reader where you are in life, who you are, or if you relate to this. If you do, that is great, see, you aren't alone, if you aren't going through this, congratulations your not as entirely temporarily in a stand still with life, which I guess is good.
In any case I want you all to enjoy your Thursday. My Thursday involves shooting b-roll, interviews, reporting, and an eye appointment which I have put off for at least 6 months.

I need to live by this

Matthew 6:19-34
I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? "And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labour or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendour was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, "What shall we eat?" or "What shall we drink?" or "What shall we wear?" For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Stately, plump Buck Mulligan came from the stairhead, bearing a bowl of lather on which a mirror and a razor lay crossed. A yellow dressing gown, ungi

Thirteen Ways of Looking at an Ineluctable Modality

So I wrote this for Creative Writing and it is one of my favorites. Though I realize the reader may not understand the context, it is modeled after the Wallace Stevens poem "Thirteen Ways of Looking at a Blackbird." He's a genius, I'm a young poet. But also this is about my time in Newport, and my love of James Joyce and "Ulysses" which I still have not completed. I in fact could not come up with a character as wonderfully complex as Steven Dedalus.


I among the beach—
the only thing moving about me
The waves and the sea.

I in so many ways
of viewing life find a modality
—in which to be.

The sounds, the shells,
the encroaching swells.
Tell me all is well…

I myself
in part of this world,
myself and I,
ineluctable in my very present existence.

I’d rather not know
of the events that led me here,
the things that linger near
or would I rather know
more than I should.

Through the window
the omniescent birches
stand ahead
shadowing the cottage that
stands below.

O Young Steven Dedalus,
why this stream of conscious,
do you not see the vision?

I know my surroundings,
nature, sounds, and self,
though I do not know
of the way they find themselves
in my life.

When I lose the path of my footsteps
on the way home—the marked gone.
At the last sight of the sun,
I shall not know what is to be done.

My fate inevitable
rocks thrown into the ocean
worry splashed away
for only a moment
the weary shadow overwhelms
as the January clouds envelope.

The tide is changing
And so am I.

It is evening and so I go,
Through a modality
what is visible now

The darkening sky
and the nearby cottage.

I feel like sharing some work with you all

Manhattans at Six

Into Brooklyn
She danced
With black and white photos
Of long graceful limbs
Red painted lips upon
A laugh lined smile
And Irish raven hair
Kind blue eyes to match

Her feet still tap, as mine mimic
Her graceful limbs
Now delicate
Her ornate fingers
Show me the mandolin and Saxophone
The eight fingered man would play
Upon the Spanish Civil War boat

Labor day as her grandfather made
Exclaims an article in the paper
Thick glasses, plaid pants
White belted dresses and coifed hair
Of proud heritage made apparent to us
On the living room wall

She thanks her father for carrying the music
She never knew to play
As she listens to my Rhapsody in Blue
Everyone but she cringes at the high G
Chopin mimicking freckled hands
Make her laugh
In adoration

I laugh back I adoration of her stories
And admiration of
Sapphires coated with diamonds

Persian trunks and
Russian hats worn to city plays
That I now ruin

We didn’t have much now
She would always say
In an explaining tone
She had the world as I understood

Indian ivory tusked tables
Antique instruments now gone away
Where my buried treasure was
From marble filled paper weights
To Scotsman with bagpipes
History was tucked in most un-expecting of places

Songs that remind
Of the voice that was
As she strides about
Her graceful dancers hand
Touches mine
As we sway
And watch the falling rain
The cards lined up for go-fish await
For the child to change them to Old Maid

As barrettes are placed in her hair
Earl Gray Tea brews to a whistle
And Pumpernickel toasts
Half a loaf is better than no bread
She always said

The cherries go missing
From the Manhattans at six
The quiet background of golf claps
covered by a trio with Frank Sinatra

Into Auburn
With grey hair
A collection of photos colored black and white
And knees that crack at every shuffle ball change
A stature I exceed
As my arms embrace her fragile back
My Irish laugh lines appear
As she sings to my kind blue eyes
That I learned from her

Manhattans at six
Tom Collins at seven

By Chelsea Whitton

creative healing

Drifter

Look towards the mountains
Before the green arches you’ll find me
I can no longer speak of the person I was
Now or then
I am indeed suffering a terrible battle
Of philosophy, the strangest and bravest one in history
Upon the fields of this very war raging
The sun approaches my alabaster frailty
Warming a sharp broken spirit
To perpetual peace
The acoustic conversations of those amongst the dried blades
The wingspan of a young white-faced falcon
Staring me dead in the eye, as I look up to her
Offering complexities upon the simplicities in our nature
Cast your understanding
Before the mountains
A young tall wanderer
A dark shadow piercing the light of day
Seeking fulfillment in places society dares not freely offer
A walk to the woods for contemplation
Beyond theory, principal and material
Lying under the November sun
In a dead grass field
I drift further and further towards me

By Chelsea Whitton

Confused.

Is it bad that I don't really give a crap anymore? I want to care but everything is too far complex, so I'd rather not dive in at this point. I'm not having a horrible day or a bad day or a good day, but a rather pensive day. I'm not sure why I feel this way, maybe its my hate of being single, maybe its my neglection of God recently, maybe its something I'll never figure out. I hate my International Relations class and now I am doubting one of my minors, Political Science. Honesty I'd rather be doing geology, along with my environmental science minor. Because comedy writing isn't a minor. I just felt like giving up today, and I didn't want to wake up and have it that way. I'm finding that as much as I want to understand the world, I drift further away.

Its possible I just need a hug, or someone to pray for me. Things aren't bad, or horrible, or great necessarily, just confusing.

So to try to find a cure to all my misunderstandings I walked to the Norwottuck and sat in a field for a good couple of hours, and just meditated.

Cake has like 10 albums...I need them all I'm convinced.

I need some sort of passion specified in my life--I've always dabbled. It used to be sports, then my knees caved in on themselves in some sense, it used to be music, but I try to stay a realist--I'm probably not going to have time to be a folk singer, it used to be friends, but I'm so busy, it used to be hiking, or biking, or running. The thing that is saddest that I've let go by is my passion for writing, reading, and poetry. It was always the thing that made sense, where I was lost in numbers I was found in words. I still have a portfolio of creative writing and work, but I want it to be of use. I am praying/hoping that Belize will offer an opportunity for my creative side, my quiet peacefulness to re-emerge, after all I am going there to help write a book.

I just need to focus right now. The amount of headlines, hw and work I do is sometimes over-whelming I just need focus, a love, a passion. Something that I 100% don't question. I question God, I question my want to learn, I question most things. I'm searching for the thing that stands its grounds against all possible speculations.

I want to know what it feels like to live in the warmth, to have something matter, to be something to someone, to live free of society. I'm sorry if I'm starting to sound like Alex Supertramp from the book Into the Wild, but good God am I drifting away. But if I had the choice and $25,000 in savings to throw away to a charity I certainly wouldn't take off to Alaska.

Drifter, thinker, philosopher, is something that I could describe myself as right now.

:)

Today is sunny. I am in desparate need of sunglasses, and a new dress. Lets make that happen. Last night I had some drinks with my bestie and did nothing, except play guitar and sing High on a Hill, and yodleed to it...Im serious. We then after starting to drink very early haha were bored and walked into town for Antonios pizza, a very wise decision. I then preceeded to go home and watch youtube videos of Jim Carrey standup haha. I was so tired this morning, with a headache, and I needed to shoot b-roll of the football game so I got a pumpkin coffee and headed over there. It was productive and holy shiz the UMass Marching Band is amazing. Sort of jealous/want to rip out my clarinet again. I played in Orchestra at Salve Regina, and I really really miss playing. I think I'm going to bring the family violin back to school and start learning it. Lindsey is coming to visit and I'm so excited, it'll be fun. Things are good. Just living each day at a time and praying/hoping for the best. I'm keeping my mind on the prize--Belize the day after Christmas.
I've really got to stop drinking Mr. Gorton, not so nice then next day haha.

Hear my plane a comin haha

I'm going to Belize in two months. Therefore I'm going to start re-learning spanish. Things are good today, it didn't involve the words b-roll or broadcast. I am looking forward to thanksgiving, meeting up with Meg, and just chilling, maybe working for some cash.
Lindsey is coming to visit Saturday which I am excited about. Last time we saw eachother we both had Neil Young songs stuck in our head before we even told eachother, so its nice to know we are friends again. And being home together was good.
My magazine is failing, only a close few want to help.

I need to seriously start working out if I plan on being shape for Belize, and saving money.

I've decided since I cant find a man here Im finding one in Belize, and running away for a bit, with a camera, a notebook, and a backpack, just like I've always said.

No phone I just want to be alone

I know for a fact my body caught the H1N1 but to all my healthy habits thankyou! haha because I could feel my body fighting off something I was very tired all the time feeling achy and just irriatated and annoyed with life. Im blaming that shit on my attempted swine flu attack. Note to everyone I drink lots of tea, eat lots of blueberries, and lots of apples, if you eat this you won't get sick, but then again I barely drink, and don't smoke, and run everyday. Well thats the like only good thing for the past two days that I didn't get swine flu because that would have fucked up my life. I don't have time for illness or for fun really.
Last night about 12:30 after getting back from doing mayoral and city councelor election help at the Republican I decided to do laundry. After not being able to find my debit card I scrappled up some quarters. You know when you want to scream outloud at the top of your lungs in desparation somethign good might happen--thats what I wanted to do but instead I did my silent misery and on my way down dropped the detergent everywhere. So then I had to clean that up, couldn't find my debit card, had to do tons of stuff get 3 hours of sleep go to work to hear that my boss says Im always tired, I'm like yes no shit. Life is sort of crazy right now. Can I be a philosopher? I'll write symposiums I swear.

Corriendo

I'm not exactly sure what is going on here, but I'm starting to run distance, training for marathons, things are great, I'm doing well, and I received a call waking me up this morning that I will be invited to go to Belize after Christmas to assist in putting together a book chronicling the work of a man who has given his time to missions work. Sometimes when you surrender, or most of the time, good things happen. I pray to God often to make me a better person, and little answers like this help. But I still need some major adjustments, with a lot more prayer.

Upward over the Mountains

So much is going on. Wow. Says Walken. First I will start by describing how amazing my costume came out, and I'm not one to brag but I was thrilled. It was pleated newspapers, and some of my selected favorite publications, the NYtimes, the Telegram, the Flash, The Boston Globe, USA Today, and some others, and my favorite stories and publications pleated into a multi-tiered couture- if you will- skirt. It was a blast to make--I listened to an Asthmatic Kitty Achoo Sampler and put the thing together. I finished it up with satin across the waist a red headband and pearl accessories. It was actually the most fun making it. It was suiting. It started off as I was a passionate reporter, then I decided I was the newspapers of America, then it was the newspaper fairy, and my line was, "I know where you live...I deliver your paper, if you know what I mean." Joking about it was just as fun as wearing it. Halloween is supposed to be fun and it was. Supporting the dying print field--is what I do. haha.

Other aspects of my life...Putting together my internship portfolio. Ahem New York Times, and Saturday Night Live. Here is the thin I don't know what I want to be anymore. Happy? Can I be happy as a profession?

I have this friend, she'll kill me if I put this on there so for now her name is V.A. We decided that each week we will meet up and chat, duh as we always do, but we both realized there is things that we need to work on about ourselves--basically liking ourselves, and understanding what it means to be here now, and enjoy it. We decided every week or so we'll try to pin point what it is we are working on. Its sort of great to have a friend going through the same things. We call it "single-ness". We think everything would be better if we weren't single. Its a difficult one.

On another side note at Franklin dining hall there was a tarot card reader clairvoyant tonight haha and the cynic that I am went in believing all of that shit was shit frankly. Except I was amazed, India was there as proof I wasn't being brainwashed or crazy into thinking things. The guy started off with that I have a kind, child-like, young demeanor, sort of light and fun--true. Then he said that I went through a short but life altering change recently--true. He said I was and still am a bit of a "space cadet". I like to live in "fantasy and magic, thing seem easier when they aren't reality". According to him I also have behind me family problems that aren't like plaguing me now, and I have a young new friend who will be of good influence. And the best part, the hopeless romantic that I am said my whole is all about romance. That I will be in a romantic relationship and find love, I laughed at that one. Did I mention the first thing he said was I was indecisive. Pin Point. P.S. Love? What the hell is that word?

I used to semi-dislike beer, but am developing a liking for blueberry beer. Haha, and I forgot about my love affair with rum--flashback of Friday nights out in Prov much.

What have I been doing you might ask? Well weekend trips away, lots of walking/running, my bike has a flat tire..good excuse to talk to bike co op boys, I was paid...finally, my boss cut my hours for my health's sake because I looked/was over tired which was true. So that was nice, in a way. I have no fucking clue what is going on in my International Relations course. I think Barack Obama is failing us. If I'm turning into a conservative just kill all the polar bears for me will ya. I am pretty happy with my work ethic and life right now. Things are good, I feel good, and most importantly God is good.

Peace,
Chach

P.S. whoever you may be hope things are good, great, and grand, and happy November. Its the month of Turkeys and continuing of fall which means pumpkin pie, and cider--my favorite. Oh yes and my favorite pumpkin lattes.

19/20 I'll take it. Wung it, Winged it--all good.

Good day, Day Good.
Here is a link that I want you to read, because this story is so well-written so riviting and insightful into the War in Afghanistan that many can't and don't report on. It is sad to hear that after seven years of war the Taliban still thrives, when it is falsly reported and implied that the Taliban is currently opressed. Here is NYTimes Journalist and Pulitzer winner David Rohde's account of being kidnapped by the Taliban. This is the kind of journalism that I hope to pursue one day. His story is incredible.
http://www.nytimes.com/2009/10/18/world/asia/18hostage.html

In related stories I am simply and utterly let down by Devendra Banharts new cd. Granted I can't play guitar for shit/or come up with freak folk lyrics such as he does, but really Devendra? My halloween costume is rediculous and needs revision. I need money. I want my blueberry beer, or someone who likes to drink on Wednesday nights haha.

Attempts, Attemptations, Attemptual

When Dawn Met Dusk



As dawn with her rose red fingers shown once more

It reminded me

Of the light beneath my eyes

The orange luminescent vision as the crest approached blue

The saving grace of dusk as his

Darkened emerald veil envelopes the day gone

It reminds me

That dawn will appear tomorrow and greet dusk as he passes

It tells me, I’m here now

Somewhere in-between dawn and dusk

Where the morning glow touches softly

The night jewels

This reminds me of the day that came

And the day that will.

~me

And all the leaves on the trees are falling

Today (my 11 hour work day, 4 hour editing day) was long, and I ate way too much, tomorrow will be good. I like Tuesdays. I'm tired, ate a pumpkin muffin and should probably prepare my next news story idea/study for world politics. My teacher is a liberal nut job so I'm sure I'll do fine.

Things are good--Devendra's Cd comes out in about ohh 20 minutes, I'm pretty excited about that. I'm not feeling so lousy about myself anymore which is good, but I could use a little shopping trip/run or something to make me feel even better, or a hot coffee. Probably a run tomorrow around 5. My life is so filled up.

This weekend was nice, my family is sort of coming back together thanks to some prayers and acceptance on all our hearts. I will always be a somewhat cynical, but funny person, Lindsey will always be the Pink Floyd, social/political activist/thinker, Kristen will always be there to make punch lines about me and to hug and shop with, Nick will be there to make me laugh and hear him play electic guitar,my Dad will always be there to let me realize that life needs some laughs and realistic views, and my Mom will be there to give me hugs,reassure me that I will infact be on SNL and call me "Mary Catherine Gallagher" (the spaz from the movie "Super Star). But most importantly they have stopped critiquing me on God knows what. Which is nice and appreciated, because to be quite honest no matter how hard I try I will never have it together-do any of us?

My life will always be scribbled about accross yellow legal pads,I will always be writing new novels or poems, I will always have a coffee in one hand, a guitar in the other while dishes pile up, money flies out of my hands, but as the clouds float by I'll remain happy, and pursuing. And knowing that is just enough for me.

So as my family comes together after what seems like was a life-time, my life is slowly making more sense. I'm trying to figure out prioritizing friends, family, work, God, ambitions, goals, dreams, and me. I don't know the order these go in, but as long as I have them all.

I'm not sure if you read this, where you are in your life, who you have in your life, what you love, what you admire, just make sure you know its the truth. That what you say and do represents what you hold to utter importance or truth. I work long days, but what I do signifies "truth" how I view the world, and where I want to fit in. I mean there is only 6.6 billion of us--plenty of room now :)

For some reason I want to start fresh. Maybe I'll stop being so goofy and grow up a bit. Maybe I'll do work more often. Maybe I will make going to Belize happen. Maybe I'll stop writing random things on this blog.
My sister and I (Lindsey) are getting along amazingly well. I think we could be liberal lions together.
Being home is great--my parents are embracing my dreams of SNL. I think as I begin to like who I am or atleast appreciate it they do was well. For dinner we all had Thanksgiving Day subs from D'Angelos, classy I know, haha, but they're so good. So my parents were like how funny would it be if we had Thanksgiving at our place, but instead made a like 6 foot grinder and I'm not sure if you've seen the skit "Taco Town" on SNL but its like ridiculous its like tacos wrapped in salsa and cheese and pizza and pancakes, all in a tote of salsa its hilarious. So it could be like a scene at Thanksgiving and as the family is approaching the foyer coming in the family member preparing the meal is like diving on the over-filled Thanksgiving grinder.

Another skit that India and I think would be hilarious is God sitting at a desk yelling, "Jesus get in here now!" And its like Father son general conflict things, like "Jesus, now listen, I know I asked a lot for you to walk on water, but really the people need their wine, go make it."

In related stories I walk in the house after an evening out with my parents and the first thing my 11-year-old brother says is, "I eat like pieces of shit like you for breakfast." Kristen replies, "You eat pieces of shit for breakfast?" My parents laugh, and Lindsey and I are slightly appalled, but whatever the quote is from Happy Gilmore, and Adam Sandlar is pretty close to God in my household. Good to be home.

Remind me to buy socks this weekend. I have weird idiosyncrasies like at school I can only eat off yellow plates, and I can't wear matching socks. People notice too haha. So yes I'll make an effort to buy matching socks. Also maybe tupperware so I don't have to eat out of my Conan O'Brien coffee mug. I said I would never turn out as strange as my parents are sometimes---Im slowly reminding myself of them haha.

The ferns, they'll choke ya.

Despite slicing my finger to what the useless doctor call, "fat pad" today was pretty optimistic. Maybe because I had pineapple and strawberries o how I've missed my fruit. I'm not giving up hope on many things, including school. I've got to keep moving on.

I asked my sister if she thought I'd be a cat lady. Even she of all people said no, which gives me hope. I then joked that I had the first fifty named beginning with, "meow meow". I laughed at my own stupidity.

I feel myself maybe having some sort of fun again, and if that doesn't work there is always smoking with sis at home haha.

My article ran, that was a pleasant surprise this morning. I keep coming up with SNL skits for my cover letter, which is good. I'm going to film a spoof of Walken's "Googly Eyes" and hopefully I don't get arrested for defacing UMass property, but I plan on sticking googly eyes on plants in the green houses near Morill and doing my epic Walken Impression. Watch it if you haven't seen it.

The Daily Collegian | Archive | Arts

The Daily Collegian | Archive | Arts & Living

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My article on the poetry reading. Decent.

P.S. Sorry If I sound a bit off. Its still wacky me who spins out another SNL quote every five seconds. Just a bit well -not funny at the moment. I'll let you know when I plan on feeling better about life in general.

Okay I knew I'd write an explanation...what else could you expect?

What is wrong with the day today? I couldn't have predicted it would have been this traumatic/testing. I think the bad vibes are aflowin because my sister also had a tough day, philosophically wise, and same here, questioning my beliefs, why I am the way I am, and what would happen if I just sort of took off. I have a family who semi-likes me, a shit load of hippie clothes, and about $500 bucks. Where to?

To be honest I have no f*&^%$& clue what is going on in any of my classes, and I'm going through a spiritual fight which has knocked me completely off balance. God gave me a gift today--the choice of opting out the easy way of a class and receiving credit for an internship I've completed, or taking the stupid ass class and suffering with loss hours of social life, and sleep. Its not like I have much of a social life to begin with and I'm perpetually single so whats the big deal right? I just don't know. I'm not serious enough, or am I too serious?

On a related note: How can I think the bible is a hypocrisy and social scheme and still love God/Jesus? Believe me I'm a writer, a journalist, a thinker,and most importantly a God believer, and I know when something is a mere metaphor, not an actual occurrence or happening. But then again what the hell do I know? When you figure that one out let me know.

All I can say is I have a certain friend in my life right now that keeps me sane. Thank God for that.

I'm not sure whats holding me together.I'm not sure if I like myself, or what I'm doing. I've got to figure that out relativly soon before I go around saying My name is ____and I do _____ and I love ___and just have it blank-see how pathetic that is? I want to be able to fill in the blanks...and happily.

So as to what is keeping me motivated-maybe the one piece of bread and two coffees I had today. Definitely not, perhaps winter break will be amazing. I can fall in love with someone in Belize and never return. The end. Except it was never a fairy tale to begin with.

Poetry for me these days

Drink.

Travel.

Be happy.

Priorities.

In that order.

I'm just going to make lists and

not explain anything from now on.

Simple

Life

Belize

Truth

I hate bitches

Go Fuck yourself

I want to be real

Who the fuck am I?


Yes this new form of poetry works.

Strange Feelings

Haha India and I finally performed our song "The Jesus Song" at the Fall Retreat for Navs this weekend on Saturday night. And you must know that India and I are the sort that don't really care what you think, as long as we believe we are living our lives they were meant seems to be the ongoing theme, but we love our song. Even if it involves talking about all 12 disciples and how inadequate they are compared to Jesus. We are making a new genre of music--FolkChristianComBiblicity My nerves got to me a bit much, but I still had fun.
This weekend was good, sort of relaxing, but my body hurts after capture the flag--alot. I don't get it-- I either run, or bike, or do yoga everyday, but I play capture the flag and feel like I slept on the hardest concrete. This weekend was good--a bit different from the retreat last year. This year I was more comfortable with people, because well last year I had just transferred here, but I didn't get as much out of it as I did last time. In the book of Jonah last time I was fully intrigued by the text, the prose, and the story. In Genesis this year, the story of God washing away human's existence in Genesis frankly kind of approached me in the wrong point of my faith, shaking it rather than re-enforcing it. It was brought up this morning to not become too cynical concerning the bible, that questioning and analyzing it would do harm rather than good, but its safe to say I've already become a cynic on the bible. I wish I had heard not to do this a while ago. I'm just confused. I'm a journalist, I ask why, how, when did it start?, who, what--for nearly everything. I want answers, explanations, matter-of-fact statements now. Take away the rainbows and the clouds and tell me why God drown the Earth and how this relates to me? Is is a scare tactic? Now Chelsea, don't be bad, or I could do something like this again...I'm not sure. I just want to explain that I never doubt God, because I connect with Him on levels where I'm pretty sure Sigmund Freud's analysis couldn't, but as for the metaphorical, prose and poetry presented to us, its very hard for me. I take it with a grain of salt. I think some things were lost in translation, or exaggerated for political reasons, social reasons, and moral obligations--if I'm being honest.
Also I don't know it might have been the wrong time in my life to go on this sort of thing. I had a feeling it would be like that, my mind was already cloudy, and I just couldn't connect anything. For once my mind was cloudy but indistinguishable. As an extrovert I usually know how I feel, but I really don't right now. I don't know how I feel or how to express that right now. I'm falling back to the old I don't like this about me--I don't like that, and frankly its scaring me. I just need to deal, find a vice--no not cigarettes or vodka, something.
Its a wild wild world. And I'm going to figure it out one day.

Another thing struck me odd--in a car ride to fall retreat a couple of people and I were talking about happiness, and they said, "you seem like a really happy person." I don't know if I am, I don't know if that part of me is me just trying to be happy or not lonely, or understanding. Maybe I don't know If I'm happy. I was also explaining that happiness for me scares me--I'm scared to know that everything is okay, for more than five minutes. I'm not used to that luxury, so the thought of that sort of scares me. Who knows maybe I am happy, I just haven't taken the final leap of realizing its a good thing. I just feel like even people close to me don't know the real me, or what I view myself as. Well regardless the deep-thinking will surely continue.
My attitude right now is--Do what you love, fuck the rest.
So that is what I will do.

Hola me gusta para escribir

Hello all who actually read this bologna.

So it looks as if I will hopefully(prayingly) be going to Belize this January for a couple of weeks, to do missionary work, and help the director of the mission complete his book.?!? I'm just so ecstatic and happy, and hope it all works out. I've been praying for something like this for a while. Now I just need the funds, and a SLR camera, a backpack, and a notebook and I'll be set to go. This cracks me up because for a while all I said I needed was a backpack and a notebook and I'll be happy. This is the first test. Some of you ahem (my sisters, and close friends, and parents) know me as this materialistic, self-serving bitch, which was true of me not long ago, but I'm different now, and am trying to embrace this new self I've found. Missions are something that I've always had my mind on, and with prayer and surrender of things uncontrollable in my life, this opportunity has approached me.
In related stories I'm not quite so sleep deprived as last night I took a "nap" from 7-11:40, woke up did a paper (journalist style) basically slapping crap together, and went back asleep until 11:00 am today. How nice. I was supposed to wake up early and go to the bank and get a haircut but whatever works.

I still desperately need a new pair of glasses so in fact I can see what I'm doing.
This weekend I'm going to Vermont for a fall retreat with the navigators. I love fall, and this only helps it. Also studying the bible in the middle of the mountains is so therapeutic and beneficial to my life I can't even start to describe.

I'm a financial wreck, and a cluttered brain. I want to start playing my clarinet again, and continue my conquest to play violin. I also want to buy a banjo. I want to do so many things but have such little time. I'm being honest when I say I'm lucky to sit down and have a meal these days. Today I ate lunch with Virginia which was a treat.

Okay I should probably pay attention to Media Criticism. Ah cynicism

I'm so busy that my planner is filled, and I'm too busy to plan. Great. At least it keeps me busy, and I'm glad when I get five hours of sleep. I decided I am going on a missions trip to Belize.

I take left on reds. Screw rules of the road.

Things are good. I'm really getting into shape which is excitedly unexpected. I can now run up Clark Hill Road which is the road leading to where I live and it is rediculous, I'm still working on being able to bike the whole thing. I have said for the past three years that I would run the Boston Marathon, but I think this year will be it. My knees don't hurt considering the pain before, and I'm just taking really good care of myself. Despite my caffeine addiction haha.

I've been wavering over what I am doing over winter break. I couldn't decide between missions work, or going home and working my ass off for money. I think the former will be better. I want to branch out and help, money can only last so long, the experience on a missions trip will last a lifetime. I also am sick of doing things for myself and want to branch out and help, basically I want to humble myself. I'm not sure what God wants me to do with my life, but missions work might be a start in the right direction.

In other news, I cannot stop listening to Frank Sinatra. Its making me feel lonely, I should probably stop that.

If your wondering what the title of this post means it is because my means of transportation at school are a bike or my feet, which keeps me going and healthy, just my plan. But I have trouble following the rules such as stop signs or red lights. I rode to Northampton and shopped around a bit yesterday, and I think I broke every rule of the road there is. Fuck the law.

Pancakes and Glasses Perscriptions

Wow do I need new glasses. I really can't see how beautiful you are. haha

Haha I'm laughing at today because it was spent with a best friend for 12 hours non-stop, so fun, we split a burrito for lunch, made coffee, and watched a kick-ass movie "His Girl Friday", I'm basically now obsessed with this movie with Rosalind Russell, and Cary Grant about two journalists, formerly married, who fight, then as predicted make up, but the movie is so well written. Dinner was a bagel. Delicious.....fergalicious (haha)

I attempted to prank call someone but ended up saying something wildly ridiculous and hung up, and my excuse on the voicemail was, "I'm just laughing reminiscing of dancing last night." I had to hang up.
And tomorrow I'm looking forward to pancakes or french toast, blueberries, and after I re-fuel go on a bike exploration. I wanted to go to Sugarloaf, but ends up you have to ride on the highway, which I'm pretty sure is prohibited. But yes tomorrow should be good. After all I have to make my own fun because I literally have $4. That can't even by me coffee and goldfish--a staple. Things are good. I forget how to have fun sometimes, because of my extreme cynicism, but acting like a complete free spirit makes me feel good again.

The Lion is unleashed. Wait you walk your lion on a leash?

Note to self: Inner cynic and "House-Like" demeanor comes out when food deprived, caffeine jolted, and sleep deprived. Note: don't do this, causes to lose a pants size in two days haha.
I guess I'm a fairly decent person when not under these circumstances, keep that in mind. In related stories someone called me a "women" today and it kind of made me giggle because I never thought of it that way. Obv I'm a girl, but women just sounds so grown-up, and lets face it, I'll never be completely grown up. And I can say that happily because I look at most adults, and never want to be like that.

I was going to go to Meghan McCain's little lecture about how "uber cool" Republicans are becoming. They weren't and are never going to be cool, but she can take her fake hair, fake teeth, and huge boobs, and try to make them cool at least, and then she can go write about it on her "liberal conservative" blog. Aw damn...those Republicans are sure making a come-back. Yup just as fast as the dying polar bears in the Arctic are making a come-back. Fuckers.

I'm going off to pay bills and actually take a run.
Playing guitar instead of going to International Relations also seemed a good plan. I really couldn't stand to hear about nuclear weapons yet again, and how we are eroding the earth of all natural powers. Some things are too depressing haha.

I'm Drowning in a Weedy Pond

I'll be honest...something I've done more of recently. I feel a little lost. Maybe very lost. I can be a bit cynical and critical of everything--for class at least and get so much recognition from the professor for a paper, yet inside I'm cringing for no one to read it. My teacher printed out my paper and passsed it around copies to the entire class to read, compliment right? Except the paper was me rambling on about how much I hate society, and its ideologies. I got a 3/3. So possibly being so desparatly unhappy with everything will give me a good career. At this point tonight right now I don't know what I want. I don't know if I want to continue school, to take off and write and photograph.
I'm beginning to think/believe I fear things. I fear the ability to take my life and run with it, the freedom I have. Instead I put constraints on myself. I fear relationships. I fear my past...last night I couldn't sleep because of horrible memories of stupid things. I also have a re-established relationship with God, but am having a very very difficult time believing the Bible. I'm sick of hearing religious conservative bullshit. My swearing hasn't ceased yet, as evidence shows. I don't know but I've decided I'm not going to be blinded by what society wants me to believe. I believe in God. God saves. I know that is what I believe. I'm pretty sure that woman's origins aren't from a mans ribcage. I'm not a huge supporter of the big bang theory, but so many things in the Bible are metaphors, loosely translated into historical context. I'm a matter of fact type of gal, I used to like poetry but now I want the facts. It is hard for me to appreciate studying the bible right now. It is also hard for me to appreciate homework. I do realize though that I'm just being a whiny spoiled b&**% because not even a fraction of the world gets to study what I am. I should feel privileged. Instead I feel lost. I know what I want to do, just not how I'm getting there. I know I believe in God, just haven't figured out the fundamentals of my beliefs.

Maybe I'm just over tired. Can't a ginger get a break?

I just want to live free

Psalm 49

Okay so its clear my life has become too busy to journal daily, and my yellow legal pads or what suffice to be my journal has become an over-populated metropolis of italics hand-writing. It will be like poetry, and then scribbled down in the lower left hand corner is a story idea either for Logos or the Collegian, then coffee spills over half the paper so I can't see my already hard to read notes.
But on the other hand its back to real life--the inevitable 15-hour Monday. So fun. Like I said it'll pay off when Natgeo or NBC is shipping me off to do kick-ass stories...hopefully.

In related stories Devendra's New Album Countdown continues..couple more weeks. The Mountain Goats new album comes out in about a couple hours..pretty exciting.

This weekend I should note was amazing, much needed. Some friends from Navs and I stayed in a cabin in Algonquit, Maine, and it was beautiful despite the rain. I slept most of Saturday and sung songs about Jesus with India that Jesus may or may not have approved of. It was refreshing, and wonderful to go back to the core of my very life. Basically I'm an ass. No matter how good God is to me I always find some other shit to complain about. God is good ( no I didn't copy this from Reverend Run). I shed some tears, which never happens, but laughed most of the time.