I'm Drowning in a Weedy Pond

I'll be honest...something I've done more of recently. I feel a little lost. Maybe very lost. I can be a bit cynical and critical of everything--for class at least and get so much recognition from the professor for a paper, yet inside I'm cringing for no one to read it. My teacher printed out my paper and passsed it around copies to the entire class to read, compliment right? Except the paper was me rambling on about how much I hate society, and its ideologies. I got a 3/3. So possibly being so desparatly unhappy with everything will give me a good career. At this point tonight right now I don't know what I want. I don't know if I want to continue school, to take off and write and photograph.
I'm beginning to think/believe I fear things. I fear the ability to take my life and run with it, the freedom I have. Instead I put constraints on myself. I fear relationships. I fear my past...last night I couldn't sleep because of horrible memories of stupid things. I also have a re-established relationship with God, but am having a very very difficult time believing the Bible. I'm sick of hearing religious conservative bullshit. My swearing hasn't ceased yet, as evidence shows. I don't know but I've decided I'm not going to be blinded by what society wants me to believe. I believe in God. God saves. I know that is what I believe. I'm pretty sure that woman's origins aren't from a mans ribcage. I'm not a huge supporter of the big bang theory, but so many things in the Bible are metaphors, loosely translated into historical context. I'm a matter of fact type of gal, I used to like poetry but now I want the facts. It is hard for me to appreciate studying the bible right now. It is also hard for me to appreciate homework. I do realize though that I'm just being a whiny spoiled b&**% because not even a fraction of the world gets to study what I am. I should feel privileged. Instead I feel lost. I know what I want to do, just not how I'm getting there. I know I believe in God, just haven't figured out the fundamentals of my beliefs.

Maybe I'm just over tired. Can't a ginger get a break?

I just want to live free