All my days, these days.

Okay so I'm being honest when I say my state in the two days prior to this was scaring me, glad to say after some thoughtful prayer, meditating in a field for a couple hours, and hanging out with friends I am elevated in all levels. I know being 20 is a turbulent time, questioning who we want to be what we are supposed to become, who we are supposed to love, or how much we are supposed to like ourselves as we are.

Well the beginning of the week was challenging because some days I can be completely happy and say hmm Chelsea Whitton for the things you've been through and the person you've become I'm okay--I'm a bit hesitant, a bit shy, and a bit introverted at some points but I'm not entirely fucked up. Then I realized before anyone can love me I've got to love myself, and that isn't a new theory or idea to me or anyone I'm sure. That is something I worked on the whole past summer-loving who I am, with out leaching off anybody else to feel acceptance, which for me was the most difficult thing in the world. And I have to say I've come quite far in terms of understanding myself, understanding that I am very hesitant of expressing my rather mellow, or dark side, because people know me as this funny, vibrant, excited about life redhead where in reality I have days where I just want to quit, give up, writes sad songs until I no longer feel the need to, such as Monday and Tuesday. It was to the point where mentally and physically I was burnt out, my body ached, and my head was pounding. I just never understood that college was so much of a test,(no pun intended). I just think about the same things over and over again, and feel like I just need to surrender, but absolutely can't stop, that I can do everything on my own.

I was telling India that no matter how hard I try to change things, my views on the world and life and the way it works, which tend to be hyper-critical, and serious, my ways of living my life day to day, I always feel like I'm falling, or failing (one of my biggest fears).
Tonight at dinner I asked my friend Jenn what it was like to graduate, and how it felt to be a "real person". She said it was, "surreal". I don't even know if I wanted the answer, because as I picture myself in a year and a half standing up with the whole gown thing on, who will I be, what will I become, who will I have by my side? This scares the shit out of me and I have this hollow feeling in the pit of my stomach which makes me know I have lots of praying to do, and lots of thinking to do. The idea of "real person" scares me very much, because I will always be a kid at heart, who prefers laughs over any bad news, stories over harsh facts. So I'm at the point right now of picking myself up from what I call "my own bottom" which contrary to popular belief does not involve horrible things, it just involves lots of thinking of where I need to be, and not being so inwardly pessimistic while so outwardly optimistic.
In related news, I am thanking God each and everyday for putting me through everything I've been through, whether good or bad. I think I'm the most knowledgeable or wise about life and the reality that is myself than I've ever been.

I'm also so appreciative God let India come into my life because it is truly the most comforting thing to know someone understands you, can pin-point how you feel, knows what your going through, you can cry to or hear cry. She gives me hope that indeed I will not be a 40 year old vodka worshiping cat lady. I've just never been able to express everything, my battles, my relationship with God, just a bunch of shit. I'll remember this probably the rest of my life, I was at her house, and said yes lets sit outside and get drunk, but instead, we both lay down staring at the stars talking until the dead of the night about our lives, our views on life, God, family, guys, just everything. I'd never done that before, actually said who I was to someone not scared of what they would think. Anyhow if your reading this I hope you know the best days have yet to come my friend :)

To my other friends reading this know I think of you a lot, my friends at Salve, at home. I think about you everyday.

P.S. recently I've had the urge to drop this political science bullshit and take a couple more courses in Geo-sci. Maybe I'll do something which makes me happy--yes identifying rocks and mountain orogenies (a time of vast mountain building) and cut banks does make me happy. Studying China's international policies, and Iran's nuclear power struggle surely does not make me happy. As my sister Lindsey said anyone in politics is just "an egotistical power hungry bastard." I'm tending to agree.
I'm not sure fellow reader where you are in life, who you are, or if you relate to this. If you do, that is great, see, you aren't alone, if you aren't going through this, congratulations your not as entirely temporarily in a stand still with life, which I guess is good.
In any case I want you all to enjoy your Thursday. My Thursday involves shooting b-roll, interviews, reporting, and an eye appointment which I have put off for at least 6 months.