Strange Feelings

Haha India and I finally performed our song "The Jesus Song" at the Fall Retreat for Navs this weekend on Saturday night. And you must know that India and I are the sort that don't really care what you think, as long as we believe we are living our lives they were meant seems to be the ongoing theme, but we love our song. Even if it involves talking about all 12 disciples and how inadequate they are compared to Jesus. We are making a new genre of music--FolkChristianComBiblicity My nerves got to me a bit much, but I still had fun.
This weekend was good, sort of relaxing, but my body hurts after capture the flag--alot. I don't get it-- I either run, or bike, or do yoga everyday, but I play capture the flag and feel like I slept on the hardest concrete. This weekend was good--a bit different from the retreat last year. This year I was more comfortable with people, because well last year I had just transferred here, but I didn't get as much out of it as I did last time. In the book of Jonah last time I was fully intrigued by the text, the prose, and the story. In Genesis this year, the story of God washing away human's existence in Genesis frankly kind of approached me in the wrong point of my faith, shaking it rather than re-enforcing it. It was brought up this morning to not become too cynical concerning the bible, that questioning and analyzing it would do harm rather than good, but its safe to say I've already become a cynic on the bible. I wish I had heard not to do this a while ago. I'm just confused. I'm a journalist, I ask why, how, when did it start?, who, what--for nearly everything. I want answers, explanations, matter-of-fact statements now. Take away the rainbows and the clouds and tell me why God drown the Earth and how this relates to me? Is is a scare tactic? Now Chelsea, don't be bad, or I could do something like this again...I'm not sure. I just want to explain that I never doubt God, because I connect with Him on levels where I'm pretty sure Sigmund Freud's analysis couldn't, but as for the metaphorical, prose and poetry presented to us, its very hard for me. I take it with a grain of salt. I think some things were lost in translation, or exaggerated for political reasons, social reasons, and moral obligations--if I'm being honest.
Also I don't know it might have been the wrong time in my life to go on this sort of thing. I had a feeling it would be like that, my mind was already cloudy, and I just couldn't connect anything. For once my mind was cloudy but indistinguishable. As an extrovert I usually know how I feel, but I really don't right now. I don't know how I feel or how to express that right now. I'm falling back to the old I don't like this about me--I don't like that, and frankly its scaring me. I just need to deal, find a vice--no not cigarettes or vodka, something.
Its a wild wild world. And I'm going to figure it out one day.

Another thing struck me odd--in a car ride to fall retreat a couple of people and I were talking about happiness, and they said, "you seem like a really happy person." I don't know if I am, I don't know if that part of me is me just trying to be happy or not lonely, or understanding. Maybe I don't know If I'm happy. I was also explaining that happiness for me scares me--I'm scared to know that everything is okay, for more than five minutes. I'm not used to that luxury, so the thought of that sort of scares me. Who knows maybe I am happy, I just haven't taken the final leap of realizing its a good thing. I just feel like even people close to me don't know the real me, or what I view myself as. Well regardless the deep-thinking will surely continue.
My attitude right now is--Do what you love, fuck the rest.
So that is what I will do.