Blackbird Singing in the Dead of Night

I haven't had a revelation over night or anything, but this summer was much needed. It was an internal awakening to all the underlying repressed things that I just pushed away, all my insecurities about myself and my life, all my doubts, all my anxieties, my problems years ago. They sort of just unravled in June. First semester at UMass I was good--lonely but persevering. Second semester I screwed up by pledging to a sorority I would eventually come to hate, but in doing so I lost what I was all about. I lost my time to take "me" time to walk on the Norwottuck trail, or explore through town, or pray, or care.

It was all so self revolving--I had to prove myself worthy to this new group. The problem was I wasn't even worthy to myself to begin with. June marked a turmultuous overturn in my life--I came home, something I said I wouldn't do. I realized there was major work to be done. Its coming to an end, and I'm excited, I'm the same Chelsea Whitton, but I realized my strengths and weaknesses, rather than allow myself to be blinded by them. I know that I don't want to write for newspapers as a result of this summer. I learned that I like to make people laugh, and I like to laugh therefore I will be pursing a career that requires me to either have a magazine column, travel and write, or be involved in broadcast media. I realized how important my family is, even though sometimes they drive me nuts. I also realized how short precious time is too because for all the years I despised my father he has also morphed into something better than I could have imagined, and its taken me a while to recognize the progress, and get rid of the hard feelings.

I also did some thinking after my sister told me casually one day that I don't let people get close to me, suprise--yes the relationship guru that I am, right. And that first of all struck me because of its boldness, and secondly because of its truth. I allow my lonliness to linger, while all my friends are around. I just always keep things on the surface, I wore my emotions on my sleeve so that people didn't actually see whats on the skin..you know. She also said that I dont have a boyfriend because of my laugh..but I'm still sticking to my orginial response of fuck you I like my laugh, because I do.

So I guess you can say I'm going back to UMass refreshed, emptied of old ghosts I've been keeping around, wearing a warmer smile,and open heart, and a new outlook on life and who and what I value.

Now I look at myself as some sort of morphed creature---I'd like to think I was metamorphosed from some sort of granite to amythst. Yes I'm a geo-sci nut.

I realized this when recently at work an old high school teacher of mine came up to me and said "Hi how are you Chels?" And with a smile on my face I replied, "Oh Hi! I'm good...I'm really good."
I was so good I had to repeat it. After that I found myself with the usual smirk on my face,that everyone makes fun of, but it wasn't as a result of an encounter with a former teacher, even thought that was nice, it was at the fact that I can now just say that I am good, and not just good, really good. Sincerely.
God has put some beautiful people in my life, and with out him I would just be the same zombie that our culture has produced. I want to live for so much more, so much more than this material world can provide for.

I don't know why I feel the need to declare this. I probably don't have to Mark Twain my life turnover, but I'm a writer. And thats what we do. We pour our hearts out on paper, or in our times, blank screens with lit up boxes.