All I can do is pour some tea for two and speak my point of view

I've abandoned this thing...so much has been going on, but its a whole lotta nothing.

You know that song "No Rain" by Blind Melon, I often find myself listening to this and agreeing with every sung word. Its soothing.

If one were to ask me about my mood right now it would be bothered. Bothered by many things that dwelling or caring about produce imminently blank blah feelings, that should be disregarded. But me being me, soaks things in like a sponge, and just becomes fragile rather than stronger.

It has been a week now without my phone. It is hard to believe 10 years go people could in fact live their lives without them. I wonder what it was like. I was still so young then, clogging up the aol dialup with talking on the home phone for ever.

I'm thinking about a couple things now....when or if my so called "real life start" will start anytime soon, when I don't have to imagine what things will be like, where I'll be working, who I'll be going out with, what I'll be, how I find my place in the world. I think that is what I want most--a place in this crazy world, and hoping somehow I can try to fix it, for one person or one group of people who need it most.


I also have come to the conclusion that I am 20-years-old and its time to get my shit together and leave. Leave all my spite behind, and most importantly forget any wrong doings anyone has done to me or any negative thoughts about the world or my life I may hold on to, because if the past is holding me back, what is pushing me forward?

A common theme in my journal of my life, is that I'm searching. Paralleling most things, I don't know what I'm searching for. I'd like to say its not God because I have God in my life, but God for me its the opposite of a fairweather sort of situation. When things aren't great its because of me, and I just dwell, but when things are good its because of God. I might be searching for someone to love, or someone to understand me, or for my place in the world, and when everything will be constantly good. I guess I have my health, a brain, a sense of humor, and an education, and of course bright red hair--I want to do something drastic, challenging, and great. I've just got to make it happen.

Now that I read all of this it seems sort of trivial. There is a man who stands on the corner of Greenwood and route 20 everyday. His image is too vivid, an emaciated bearded older man, with a cardboard sign explaining he needs money for his cancer. This kills me. I think God explains that there is so much injustice in the word, we can start by prayer.

I can remember this time last year. It was my first semester completed at UMass, and though I liked it, I remember explaining to Lindsey and Molly on break, about the idea that I don't belong there I want to be in the world doing something and anything to be my own person and stand for my own beliefs and ideals, and put them to use. It was because I had taken this class detailing the great imbalances in the world we live in and how the few hegemonic states are incredibly irresponsible and reckless. Don't get me wrong I still fully believe this. But I sat there sort of stuck in the idea, that I was learning about all the situations that needed change but that there was no way to do it, no point to it. Now I just know I have something pushing me forward, so I'll hold onto that and go for it.



I need strength and prayer. One day will come when I don't feel broken, or that every piece of my life has been criticized, scarred, and hurt. I'm hurt, not Johnny Cash hurt, Chelsea Whitton hurt, and this time I'm not going to even try to make things better, because it always ends up like this, me alone, and hopeless.
I've got to figure something out because I can't do this much longer. I'm sick of waiting to feel put back together again, or that anyone wont accept me until I am put back together. I guess that's the way I've always seen it.

Dwelling doesn't do anything and doesn't change whats been done. Consequently, when there are people rummaging for food, I'm trying to not eat as much, when there are people saving rain water for thirst, I can go to my facet, where there is an orphaned child, and I have everything, when I want to go swimming there are people in Bangladesh up to their shoulders in their homes, because of Himalayan glacial melt and global warming deriving from industrialized countries. So in some way all of my reflections on my life are mostly trivial and ridiculous and not noteworthy. I'll work on providing some content eventually that could one day be of some use.